I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
