He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Couch. On fire.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
