Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
