Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
