You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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