i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
