It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
