Sacagawea was the original milf.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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