You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Randomize
