I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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