this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
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She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
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Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
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