Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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