just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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