wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
