I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
