This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
