theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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