so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
