Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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