Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
