I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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