I faked an abortion last night.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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