I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
