I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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