peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Bring me that man meat
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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