She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
