Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
