Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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