she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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