oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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