I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
