Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
