Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Found your dick twin last night
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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