i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
