So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
