Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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