When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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