I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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