What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
