I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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