I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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