I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
