I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
