last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
