I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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