Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Quick, to the slutcave!
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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