well I can't set my house on fire every night
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
