Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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