She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
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