I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
