I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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