shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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