I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
