it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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