May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
it glows. i had to have it.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
