Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
